Why more Aussies are outgrowing old friendships

Key takeaways

• Friendships can shift naturally as people move through different life stages
• Changing priorities, boundaries and values can reshape who feels close
• Some connections fade quietly, while others become more draining over time
• A friendship ending can be painful, even without a big fallout
• Strong adult friendships usually feel balanced, respectful and easy to return to
• New connections often grow through small, regular moments rather than instant chemistry

Friendships can feel solid for years, until one day, they don’t.

Maybe the group chat has gone quiet. Maybe catching up with someone who used to feel effortless now feels like work. Or you’ve realised that a friendship built on history no longer fits who you are today.

If that sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Many people find their friendships change as they move through adulthood. As careers, relationships, parenting responsibilities and personal priorities evolve, it can become harder to maintain the same social rhythms that once kept friendships feeling effortless. This reflects a broader trend, with Australians spending less time socially connected than they did in previous years.

The awkward part is that we don’t talk much about friendship change. Romantic breakups get sympathy. Family tension gets airtime. But a friendship breakup can feel oddly invisible, even though it hurts.

Why adult friendships change over time

As kids, friendships often happen naturally. You’re in the same class, on the same team, or living on the same street, and connection comes easily.

Adulthood is different. Work, family, financial pressure, mental load and busy schedules can all make connection harder. Even when no one has done anything wrong, friendships can start to fade when there’s less time, fewer natural points of overlap, and a growing sense of social isolation and loneliness.

That’s part of what makes adult friendships feel more fragile. They often need to be nurtured to thrive.

Keep reading: Managing the mental load: The hidden cost of parenting

Why more people are outgrowing friendships

Outgrowing friendships is common, even if it feels personal.

The version of you at 20 may not want the same things at 30 or 40. Your boundaries might be stronger. Your values may have shifted. You may have less patience for drama, one-sided effort or emotional exhaustion – and clearer priorities about where your time and energy go.

That doesn’t make you cold or disloyal – it simply reflects growth.

When a friendship feels more draining than supportive

Not every fading friendship is toxic. Sometimes people simply grow apart.

But in some cases, the dynamic shifts. Conversations about toxic relationships with friends are becoming more common because people are getting better at recognising unhealthy patterns and more selective about where they invest their time and energy.

Choosi's Swipe Right Report 2023 found that 73% of Aussies have admitted to ghosting someone at least once, while 71% say they’ve been ghosted themselves, showing how common withdrawal and disconnection have become in modern relationships more broadly.

A draining friendship might involve guilt-tripping, constant criticism, competitiveness, ignored boundaries or a pattern of taking more than it gives back. It may not always be dramatic, but over time it can wear you down.

A healthy friendship won’t be perfect, but it should feel respectful, mutual, and easy to return to most of the time.

Keep reading: Modern dating in Australia: Red flags to look out for

Signs it may be more than a rough patch

It may be worth looking more closely at the friendship if:

• you feel anxious before seeing them
• the friendship feels one-sided
• your boundaries are regularly ignored
• they don’t seem happy for your wins
• you leave feeling guilty, exhausted or judged

That doesn’t automatically mean someone is a bad person – but it can signal the friendship no longer feels good or supportive.

Why friendship breakups hurt so much

A friendship breakup can be deeply painful because there’s no clear script for it.

You may miss the shared history, the voice notes, the in-jokes and the version of life that person was part of. You may also feel unsure whether you’re ‘allowed’ to grieve it in the same way you would a romantic breakup.

But friendship loss is real loss. Even when stepping back is the right choice, it can still feel sad.

What a positive friendship looks like in adulthood

After all the change and uncertainty, it can help to know what a healthy friendship feels like. A positive friendship in adulthood often feels steady rather than intense.

You can be yourself without performing. There’s room for honesty, busy seasons, and changing routines without everything falling apart. The friendship feels mutual, calm, and supportive – not confusing or exhausting.

Often, healthy adult friendships are less about huge circles and more about having a select few people who genuinely fit your life as it is now.

How to find friends as an adult

When old friendships change, one of the hardest questions is how to find friends as an adult.

Choosi's Swipe Right Report 2023 states that 39% of Aussies say dating apps and websites feel like a less confronting or awkward way to initiate a connection, which reflects a broader truth too: many adults are looking for connection in ways that feel lower-pressure and more manageable.

That same idea applies beyond dating. Building friendships in adulthood often starts smaller than expected – a regular gym or hobby class, a familiar face at work, a low-stakes catch-up, or being the one who sends the first message.

Keep reading: Understanding the emotional challenges of modern dating

How to make friends in adulthood without forcing it

If you’re trying to figure out how to make friends in adulthood, focus on shared rhythm. Connections tend to grow when people cross paths often enough for familiarity to build.

That could look like:

• joining a hobby or fitness group
• volunteering work, such as helping at an animal shelter, supporting a local charity or coaching a junior sports team
• reaching out to an acquaintance
• becoming a regular somewhere local, such as your neighbourhood café, parkrun, community garden or weekly market
• being the one who sends the first message

Making friends as adults can feel awkward at first, but awkward doesn’t mean impossible.

Final thoughts

If your social circle feels different these days, you’re not failing at friendship, you’re just moving through a normal part of adulthood. As life changes, it’s natural for some connections to shift, while others grow stronger in new ways.

Meaningful friendship is still possible, even if it takes a little more intention than it used to.

If this chapter of life is bringing other changes too, it can help to simplify the practical side of things – from your routine to the decisions you’ve been putting off. Choosi can help make comparing insurance feel simpler. That’s one less thing for you to worry about.

Frequently asked questions

Is it normal to outgrow friendships as you get older?

Yes. As life changes, friendships can change too. Different routines, values, priorities and life stages can all affect who feels close and who no longer fits in the same way.

How do you know if a friendship has run its course?

A friendship may have changed if it feels one-sided, emotionally draining or harder to maintain than it used to. Sometimes there is no big fallout – just a growing sense that the connection no longer feels right.

Can a friendship breakup hurt as much as other breakups?

It can. Friends often play a big role in everyday life, so losing that connection can feel deeply personal. Even if stepping back is the right choice, it is still normal to feel sad about it.

What does a healthy adult friendship look like?

A healthy adult friendship usually feels mutual, respectful and easy to return to. There is room for honesty, changing routines and busy seasons without the friendship feeling confusing, pressured or one-sided

How can I make new friends as an adult?

Making friends as an adult often starts with small, regular moments of connection. Joining a group, following up with someone you click with, or becoming a regular in a shared space can help new friendships grow naturally over time.