Managing the mental load: The hidden cost of parenting

Key takeaways

• What the mental load is and how it shows up in everyday parenting
• Real examples of mental load issues Australian families face
• How financial pressure and the cost of raising a child increase mental load
• Practical, realistic ways to share responsibility at home
• Small changes that help protect mental wellbeing and relationships

Parenting involves far more than the visible tasks of daily life. Beyond school drop-offs, meal prep and bedtime routines, sits an invisible layer of work, the constant thinking, planning and remembering that keeps everything running smoothly.

This is known as the mental load, and for many Aussie parents, it may just be one of the most exhausting parts of raising children. It’s the background processing that never really switches off and when combined with work, financial pressure and rising living costs, it can quietly take a toll on mental wellbeing.

Understanding the mental load and learning how to manage it more fairly can help families feel more balanced, supported and resilient.

What is the mental load in a relationship?

So, what is the mental load in a relationship? It refers to the ongoing cognitive and emotional effort involved in managing household and family life.

This includes:

• Anticipating needs before they become problems
• Remembering important dates, deadlines and routines
• Coordinating logistics across work, school and family commitments
• Holding responsibility for “what’s coming next”

The key difference between tasks and mental load is ownership. Someone doesn’t just do the thing, they carry responsibility for making sure it happens, even when no one else is thinking about it.

What mental load actually looks like for Aussie parents

Mental load often hides in plain sight.

Example: Managing the school year

One parent notices school emails, tracks term dates, remembers photo day, organises uniforms, plans lunches and anticipates childcare gaps during school holidays. None of these tasks are hard on their own. But together, they create a constant mental checklist that runs alongside work and family life.

Helpful shift: Instead of sharing tasks reactively, share ownership. For example, one parent owns school communication for a term, including checking emails and planning ahead, while the other owns something else entirely.

Mental load in relationships: why it builds quietly

The mental load in relationships often grows because it’s invisible. One person may notice what needs doing, plan ahead and hold responsibility – while the other assumes things are under control. This isn’t about effort or care; it’s about awareness.

Example: “Everything just gets done”

When tasks are handled proactively, they rarely cause problems – which makes the work behind them easy to miss.

Helpful shift:
Make planning visible. Shared calendars, to-do lists and open conversations about upcoming responsibilities help everyone see the full picture.

Coordinating work and family schedules

Balancing meetings, pick-ups, sick days and extracurricular activities requires constant forward planning. The Choosi Cost of Career Report 2024 shows that many Aussie parents adjust work patterns, such as hours or flexibility, to manage family responsibilities. These adjustments often increase the mental effort required to coordinate daily life.

Helpful shift: Schedule a short weekly check-in to look at the week ahead together. This keeps planning visible and prevents one person from carrying it alone.

When money adds to the mental load

Financial responsibility is a major (and often underestimated) contributor to the mental load. The Choosi Cost of Kids Report 2023 found that raising a child in Australia can cost hundreds of thousands of dollars over time, depending on lifestyle and education choices. These costs don’t arrive all at once – they require constant planning, adjusting and decision-making.

Example: Ongoing cost management

Parents regularly think about:

• Childcare fees
• School-related expenses
• Healthcare and insurance costs
• Everyday household costs

That ongoing financial thinking becomes part of the mental load, particularly during periods of rising living expenses.

Helpful shift: Reduce how often decisions need to be made. Set clear budgets, automate payments and make fewer “last-minute” choices which may help to reduce the mental strain.

Practical ways to share the mental load

Reducing mental load doesn’t require a complete system overhaul or a perfectly balanced spreadsheet. In most households, small, consistent changes make the biggest difference, especially when they reduce repeat thinking and prevent one person from carrying everything silently.

1. Create clear ownership zones

Instead of splitting every task in half, assign responsibility for specific areas of family life, such as school admin, finances, meal planning or health appointments.

Ownership means:

• Monitoring what needs to be done
• Planning ahead
• Following through without reminders

This approach removes the need for mental “supervising” and helps ensure responsibility is genuinely shared not just delegated.

2. Make planning visible, not assumed

Mental load often builds because planning happens in someone’s head. Making it visible helps everyone understand what’s involved.

Practical ways to do this include:

• A shared digital calendar for school events, appointments and deadlines
• A shared notes app for to-do lists or ongoing projects
• A central place for important information, like term dates or childcare details

When planning is visible, it’s easier for everyone to step in – and easier to spot overload early.

3. Reduce repeat decisions with simple defaults

Decision fatigue is a major driver of mental load. Creating defaults means fewer daily choices and less cognitive effort.

Helpful defaults might include:

• A short rotation of regular meals
• Automated bill payments
• Set grocery delivery schedules
• Agreed routines for mornings or evenings

Defaults don’t remove flexibility – they simply free up mental space for when decisions really matter.

4. Share responsibility for future thinking

Mental load isn’t just about today – it’s about what’s coming next. School holidays, work deadlines, family events and budget pressures all require forward planning.

A short weekly or fortnightly check-in can help:

• Identify upcoming pressure points
• Adjust expectations early
• Rebalance responsibilities before stress builds

These conversations don’t need to be long – consistency matters more than detail.

5. Talk about capacity, not just tasks

Mental load often increases during busy seasons – work deadlines, school transitions or financial pressure.

Rather than asking “Who’s doing what?”, it can help to ask:

• “What feels heavy this week?”
• “Where do we need more support right now?”

This keeps the focus on wellbeing and sustainability, not performance.

6. Accept “done” over “perfect”

Perfectionism can quietly increase mental load. When standards are unspoken or unrealistic, one person often compensates by thinking more, planning more and worrying more.

Letting some things be “good enough”, especially during high-pressure periods, can significantly reduce strain across the household.

Lightening the load together

The mental load of parenting is real. It’s shaped by busy schedules, financial pressure and the complexity of modern family life in Australia but it doesn’t have to sit with one person or go unspoken.

By sharing responsibility, staying organised and making small, achievable changes, parents can protect their mental wellbeing and create a more balanced household.

For many families, that also includes having clarity around bigger, long-term decisions, like whether life insurance is in place to help protect loved ones if the unexpected happens.

Taking the time to understand your options can help remove some of the “what if” thinking that adds to mental load, helping families to feel more supported and confident about the future – whatever it holds.